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Change of the years

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It’s January, the beginning of the year – and this will be in some ways very typical first post of the year and at the same – not at all. I will reflect on my last year and thoughts about the new year, but I am not writing down promises or goals for this year and for this blog. I have them, in my blogger planner. But they are for me. You may call me a coward, but this year will hold a lot, and I want to keep my options to adjust my goals during the year as needed. I am answering only to myself about them. Maybe next year I will feel differently. Perhaps I have changed my mind about it for my second blogversary. Maybe.

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December thoughts

Have you noticed that our thinking is different in December? To me, it seems that people are both more forgiving and more stressed about the past year. No matter how the year has passed – it always feels like there should have been more. The ending frightens us. During my last sleepover at my dream home, I took out my blog planner and thought back to the year. And the next one that was around the corner. What I would like it to be like. What do I want to get – for me and for my blog? So I just started to write down my goals.

I wrote them down, as realistically as I could. Although I already then knew that year 2023 will hold some major changes in my life that can affect my creative process and blogging times. One with the most impact on my blogging will probably be that I should graduate this year, meaning I have some big and important papers to write to prove that I am smart enough to get the degree. And of course, there is a dream home.

Community of creators

I know there are a lot of things I should have done differently this year. I know some of my mistakes will come with me to next year and maybe even to the year after that. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time a few years and tell myself – you stupid girl, things won’t be going better and better. Be prepared to fall.  But I can’t. Now I have to learn the way to live with my past mistakes and being too stuck in my comfort zone to get myself better options. But then again – maybe I would have never found my way back to writing for real, my voice for this blog.

And although I started a blog in 2021, it kind of feels like it really started in 2022 since it took about half a year to find my space in this new uncharted world. My community, my connections because in the real world this takes time. I have never aimed to be a narrow niche blog – which might be easier to grasp the attention of the right audience, but I have too many passions, and choosing only one feels too limiting for me. I know it’s harder this way, but I hope the readers I attract will be more long-term.

This blog has given me indescribable experience on several levels – it has allowed me to nurture my creativity and test out marketing things I have learned, but can’t use in my day job. It has given me amazing connections and a community of creators to share my path. Community, where I feel like I should have belonged all along. I am happy to belong and honored of being accepted.

Because I said so

I have always enjoyed writing, but somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to write for fun or to let the creative fairy grow. I still wrote, but for a job – technical tutorials and ads, which were often stripped and written over by my micromanager boss. As a kid, one of the worst lines/reasons I kept hearing was: “Because I said so” – This is often the only reason to change the perfectly good text to bland mush at work and everything else.

I still hate this reasoning, although I am not guilt-free – I have used it myself. But I have actually became to the belief that “Because I said so” isn’t a valid reason for anything. It’s just a line people use when they just want to control you, and don’t have a valid argument to give you. Or believe that they don’t have to give you a reason since you are beneath them. Even I.

Lingering in between

I feel like I am in between – lingering between two worlds. One is dull and depressing but familiar, one is full of colors and new experiences. And I am standing frozen in the doorway, unable to choose the next step, waiting for the nudge. For the sign that this is the right path to take. Being a bit traumatized by the past. Struggling with trust – of others, of myself, of the world. And I do realize that I have to work on this and the first step is learning to trust myself.

This year will be different than the last few have been in many ways and I am not sure yet how it all plays out, so if you are as curious as I am – stick around and we will see together how this year will end. And where. I am excited and terrified, ready for change, and not ready at all. Every emotion – at the same time. Isn’t it a lovely way to start a new year?

With what feelings and hopes are you entering this year?

2 thoughts on “Change of the years

  1. I enjoyed reading your reflection. And a happy new year, once again! It’s still January, so we can keep new year’s wishes – because I said so (lol). Now more seriously: it feels like you had a packed and busy year. It’s a bummer you didn’t have as much time as you would like to write for fun but you can change that by rethinking priorities and directions. It looks like you are somehow already doing or working toward those changes. And this year is the final countdown to getting your degree! That phase will be concluded. I remember I felt how you describe not that long ago when I gave up my to-be-launched-uptight career so to say. It took some time until the needle moved enough just so that I could feel I was not living in two worlds anymore.

  2. Great post. I’m completely with you about writing a varied blog. Ever bit of advice says ‘find your niche’ but I’m happiest writing about whatever pops into my head.

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