We often speak quickly and without thinking much about it. Most of the time it’s fine, but there are also times we can really hurt someone when we don’t think before speaking. “I hate …” these words come over our lips way too easily and fast. Often we say and forget it completely the next because it’s just a momentary emotion. Forgetting it the next minute, but will be it forgotten?
This post contains affiliate links. This means if you purchase following my links I may earn a small fee with no extra cost to You. You can read the full disclaimer.
Is it worth it?
When you meet someone for the first time it is easier to look for flaws and red flags. Look for signs of threats to protect ourselves or the people we love – can we trust the person? Sometimes we rush and speak without thinking about how our words can affect others. Whenever we look for red flags and warnings – they are always affected by our experiences. The looker – our fears. Even if we mean good in our hearts or we believe it will be for their own good. We should stop and think: Is it really?
Expressing your negative thoughts about others and thinking hard when someone you care about introduces someone new to you. Doesn’t matter is it a friend, kid, or sibling. They are exposing a new part of their life to you and trusting you. Be careful and kind with this trust, because it is a precious gift and once broken – can never be mended.
Human nature is to fight back against attacks. So even if you are right – without hardcore proof that this new person is bad – anyone will fight back and defend. So giving them a bad review right away probably won’t lead to the result you are hoping for. And sometimes could even make them work even harder to make the relationship work. Even if they realize along the way – they shouldn’t.
We have to be liked
Somehow we have gotten a belief that we have to be liked by everyone and everyone has to like us. Unconsciously we try to surround ourselves with people who fit this picture. Who makes us feel good and with who do we feel good. And there is nothing wrong with this. The problems start when we are uncomfortable and lash out at those who don’t fit with us. They are people too – with feelings and you never know what battles are they going through. Maybe your comments will be the final draw?
Some things are better unsaid. If the comment or opinion doesn’t serve any other purpose then makes you feel relieved while ruining everybody else’s mood, day, or even life. You might be just a bully – saying mean things to others just to feel slightly better about yourself. This feeling doesn’t last long and if you are constantly putting people down – they will start to avoid you or leave for good. And I bet, that is not a goal. Though I have witnessed too many times that these kinds of people aren’t aware of that.
A thin line between scoffing and mean
There is a thin line between friendly scoffing and being mean. The hard part is, that most of the time only the people involved can tell the difference. I grow up in a family where sarcasm and scoffing were a part of daily life and to me it was normal. Thanks to this I mastered the art of sarcasm, and enjoyed and understood way too well black humor and English humor. I was great at expressing feelings with that twist – saying something good and flushing it with the sarcastic ending. I just didn’t know any other way. I never heard overwhelming praises or affection sharing.
I was so used to this seemingly playful cruelty in my family and life – I didn’t realize until way too late, that the playful part was lost in my parents and all that was left – was cruelty. Looking back I still wonder where was this breaking point and could have I done something? Maybe everything would be different today and some harsh moments wouldn’t happen?
Are you in or out?
Sometimes it feels like hate is the new trend in this world. People keep being torn between “good” and “bad”, there is no acceptable middle ground for opinions. But I don’t have to believe what you believe. And I don’t have to hate you because of that. The most obvious dividing is on Covid-related topics as I have written before.
Where comes the constant need to label and box up everyone? This only leads to mental problems because no one will fit into a certain box, since most boxes are with multiple conditions – for example, if you don’t believe in the Covid vaccine – you don’t believe in any vaccines, you don’t trust medicine, you believe the earth is flat, etc. If I believe in women’s right to choose to have a child – I also have to support murdering people? Or if I believe in everyone’s right to live – I am against abortion. But the world isn’t that simple! We can’t pick a label and add all similar words under that and say: you believe one – you believe all.
Can we be ourselves?
So we read and shout all kinds of labels and at the same time, we are trying to place ourselves there. Who am I? If I show the world myself – will I be accepted or rejected? All of this is leading to overthinking and creating problems that aren’t really problems and losing friends, and family over trivial reasons.
I have seen great friendships ending because one of them refused to vaccinate or became vegan and couldn’t accept that friend still eats meat. In most cases both the parties are unhappy, but neither willing to budge.
Could we just accept each other the way we are? I really don’t care if you drink tea or coffee, are vegan, or how you call your God – as long as you don’t demand and force me into it. Just I won’t force you into drinking black coffee without sugar, eating pizza with pineapple, or watching Friends reruns in a loop – you can join me if you like, but I am perfectly good with you thinking those are unacceptable.
By accepting other people as they are – we are allowing more peace and love into our lives. And ultimately live happier lives, because criticism and hate have only destructive powers. To ourselves, to our relationships, to our world. Hate will never stop looking for new things to hate and bring down because it’s the only way it can survive. Love and kindness will lift people up, give them hope and strength, spreading on their own. Choose love.
14 thoughts on “Think before saying: I hate …”
People are different. That is for sure. We love people dispite the fact that they are different than us. To me hate is a feeling that should not exist. I loved how you expressed your thoughts on hate and its different forms. Acceptance of other people for who they are is a good starting point. Thank you for sharing such a thought provoking post.
“To me hate is a feeling that should not exist.” <- love that! Wish this belief would spread around 🙂
Thank you for sharing this with us. Getting rid of the quick judgments and putting people in boxes based on a single piece of information we know about the. Or putting them in those boxes, to begin with, is something we should get out of our mindsets. A great way of looking at this complex topic.
It would be a far kinder world without these invisible boxes in our heads.
Good call. It’s not easy to express opinions these days because of the division you describe, which in turn makes it harder for some people to be themselves. And sarcasm/cynism can make it all worse. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and pointing out to this current social problem we are all living with.
Somehow yes, expressing opinions do come with certain risk today. Good and pure sarcasm won’t harm, but there is a really fine line that is easy to cross.
I love that people are different. Makes life more interesting. What would we have to talk about if everyone was the same!
Hate is a very strong word. I think it’s important that when these feelings of apparent hate do arise, we can decipher whether it’s the actual PERSON or perhaps something they’ve done/said or believe in that we hate. Great post – lots of food for thought!
Yes, I agree with this all. Thank you!
I don’t think I hate anyone anymore, because hating someone requires a lot of effort, and I’m just not willing to make that effort.
Your friends that tried to make someone else vegan is a bit messed up, but I understand about the issue with vaccination. But I wouldn’t hate them for it, I’d likely just cut them out of my life for their willingness to put other people’s lives at risk.
When it comes to British people ripping the piss out of each other, it should be noted that this is more common among friends. The better the friendship you have the more you’ll take the piss out of each other. It’s just the way we are
I agree that hating is an effort. Often people say hate, but don’t mean it. Passionate people tend to often go all in with things and overboard 🙂 About Covid, I have more focused on keeping myself and my family safe, including keeping a distance and avoiding close contact with party-travel people whether they are or aren’t vaccinated doesn’t matter. At least in Estonia, there isn’t much of a difference – both get sick, are hospitalized, and spread the virus. The only difference is that vaccinated people are more careless.
British people are unique, in a friendly manner, it’s all fine – when everybody involved has a good time until no one’s feelings get hurt.
Great post! I totally agree with everything you have said. Rather than hating on our differences accept and embrace people for who they are. If everyone thought the same things, the world would be a very boring place! As I’ve written on my recent blog post, friends have stopped speaking to me because I didn’t think the same as them about Covid etc. it’s really sad and such a shame. Currently issues with the in laws about the whole thing too, amongst other things. Thanks for sharing. Jade MumLifeandMe
It would be a very boring place. Sad to hear you have problems with in laws, hope you can work it out. If it’s not absolutely necessary I avoid these “hot” topics, especially with people because most of them are passionate about these labels and their sub-labels without a middle ground.