Stories on the wall

Have you ever

I have been trying to finish up some drafts for a while now and I keep getting stuck. I think I finally figured out what’s wrong with me and my creativity fairy. I keep trying to make an upbeat post, but I am not there.

have you ever
stand in the dark
looking for a light
feeling powerless
and lost
while it keeps
getting darker
while darkness
wraps itself around you


I know there is a lot I have to be grateful for. I can’t say I am not lucky or blessed. So why do I feel so cursed at the same time? I need a break from all the things breaking around me. I need a break mentally and financially. I am tired of holding my breath every day while … I know everything that doesn’t kill me – makes me stronger. But honestly, isn’t it enough already?

I have always been quick to adapt to new things and situations, this ability has been probably the only thing keeping me still going. And it has failed me to see the bad in many things normal people see. I have adapted to living without running water and for a while – even without any water when the pump broke. We have managed – to get by and get everything done, cooking and washing. I have learned to appreciate more and more simple things most people today take for granted.

Have you ever stood in the hot shower and acknowledged that you are lucky to have it? That this opportunity is a result of hard work? Have thought about if you have to go to the toilet now or if can it be delayed because it means going outside in the -20C snow storm?

It might sound extreme or even unthinkable, but day to day it doesn’t feel like this. We came here – more or less knowingly how it will be. We have been kicked by some kind of higher power so we are a bit behind our plans, but there is hope. Some days 🙂

I keep reminding myself, that there are people living in harder conditions and not by choice – like we. Lately I find myself yearning for warmth and light, more and more. I am tired of this coldness and darkness. Maybe even more than of these other struggles…

Looking for a light
ready to be wrapped
Yearning for warmth
in  warm bubble
by bonfire
Hoping to hear
birds singing
while looking over
colorful blooming garden


2 Comments on “Have you ever

  1. I’m sending you as many hugs as I can. I spent some time in a remote place without running water… We had to get it from a little lake and do a gazillion things to make sure we had water for dishes, baths, some clothing hand washing… It’s tough. We take a lot of things for granted when we live in “civilization”. I hope it gets easier for you soon and hopefully spring will help to bring some renewed energy. I also appreciate how you chose to be authentic and respect your energy rather than write something “upbeat”. We need to keep it real and human 💜

    1. Thank you for your support and positivity♥️
      It’s a bit easier than bringing from a river. I did try, mostly being scared if not – it might lower my mood and motivation even lower. But writing should help me (hopefully readers too) so maybe it’s going to be easier if I let the words go… 🤔

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