She lost all she had
Stories from an unwritten book

She lost all she had

story from an unwritten book

She learned from her early days that there are very few people she can count on. Including the ones that are on the paper should have her back anytime. Should.

She had learned it the hard way time and time again. And still, she slipped again, lost her guard for a second and it was all that was needed. She was hit with cold and harsh truth a moment later and she knew – tonight she would be crying herself to sleep once again. And it’s all her own fault. When will she learn?

Walking in the rain

It feels like home to her, walking in the rain. There is something soothing in the rain, or maybe it’s just the knowledge that it hides her tears? The world goes quiet, people retreat into their concrete shelters and nature is just chilling. Enjoying the purifying effects of the rain. It clears everything – the smells, the dust, the dirt.

She could walk forever if only her feet could carry her. This is her happy place. Alone, in the rain, in the middle of the forest. Breathing in the freshness, breathing out all the hurt and disappointments. For now.

Could you stop burning my thunder? I am so tired of protecting myself, overthinking every word – what to say, what not. What to share… You possess some superpower – when things start to go better and I hope that I finally got a hang of this. You ask me about it. For a moment I lose my guard – and answer. And I lose everything. Again. I am so tired that I don’t even want to try anymore. I just want to give up – maybe you will be happy then? Do you even realize how your actions affect me?

Weight of the dead dreams

She stared at the moon, hiding under the pine from pour rain wondering how to go on. Does she have the strength to go on? Is there anywhere to go? Does she have any dreams left uncrushed to chase? Any will left. Her mind went blank, a cloudy night sky.

She had watched her dreams fade in front of her eyes – paralyzed. Shocked. Scared. She had lost all she had. And all she didn’t have.

The power of the dreams

can lift you up

can pull you down

The power of the dreams

costs you nothing

and everything you got

The weight of the dead dreams fell on her and she felt crushed. Under the concrete plate, fighting to breathe and trying to stand up, only to fall again. Replaying everything in her mind trying to find this one point, the breaking point, when everything changed and caused her to lose everything. What did she miss?

He is the reason

Sun is peaking and the world looks like it’s covered in glitter! So bright and sparkly! And a memory of him pops into her head. Him in the rain under the sun and a small smile flickers for a moment. He is the only reason she is still here and hasn’t given up yet. Although it often felt like the only option. He is the reason she keeps waking up in the morning.

He is the only one who lifts her up and supports her and encourages her to reach higher. Reminding her, daily if needed, everything is possible. The dark clouds will go by. We just have to keep going and keep dreaming. And not just supporting – believing in her. Unconditionally, despite all the mistakes and failures. He still believes without blaming her. Even when she does.

His love, attention, and beliefs aren’t tied to her success or failures. It’s there, constant and solid. Teaching her to support and love herself, teaching her the power of gentle and unconditional love she had never known before. She can lose it all and start over again until she has him by her side.

He is the reason she is going home after the walk in the rain.

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